Suspicion and jealousy

I seek refuge from the cast off satan, the cursed. In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. Peace be upon you.

Its really a tough time but i tried to keep whatever Kalimah i know in my heart and on my lips. Insyallah. Oh Lord Almighty, please assist me and ease this stage of life. Please grant me the attributes of those you blessed in going through this stage. This is not the first time, so i should know how to handle this. Once again, all challenges come at once. Tawakkal and sabar is the only thing i can do for tough times don't last but tough men do.

I know that i've hurt others and the torture they have been through or are going through or may go through may not be as much as i am going through now. I don't know for sure what is going but i know You know what is going on and what is best for us for You are the Al-Alim. Please help this weak being of Yours in going through all the challenges he may face.

Its been sometimes since i qouted verses. I feel relevance with this verse from surah An-Nahl, verse 12.

"O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: And spy not on each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it... But fear Allah. For Allah is Oft-returning, Most Merciful".
49:12

Despite the challenges i am going through, Alhamdullilah, God Almighty, have granted me wisdom and through this wisdom, my learning journey continues even without my iPhone. Despite all this emotional and financial turmoil that i am going through, i still thank You for whatever good things that you had, have and will give to me. Alhamdullilah.

Today, i feel so bad for committing an offence with regards to the verse qouted above. A glimpse of a girl sitting on a bike just brings back memories sometimes jealousy and suspicion. Whenever there are flashback, my heart just sank. When the flashback fades, i thank Allah for all his signs and giving me the strength to carry on despite thinking i wouldn't be able to make it. Maybe, this could be a sign that we are not meant to be together or maybe this could be a sign that we would learn to appreciate each other more if we got back together. I am not hoping cause i doubt it will happen. Different worlds i guess. It happened to S, C, S and now... Whatever it is, i guess i am just leaving it to fate. I just pray we both get on well and succeed both here and in the afterworld. Insyallah.

I did some spying and content analysis which was fuelled by jealousy and suspicion. Oh God, please remove this undesirable attribute of me. As a result of this, i feel so down now. Tears feel like coming. Insyallah, i will hold them back if i can't, i'll let it go.

This seems to be a fifty fifty issue. Flashback brings tears for all the good things we have put in the relationship. Well, maybe its her contribution and never mine. I guess i never contributed in any relationship. Even if i did, i was not a significant amount or something that cannot be measured compared to the other party contribution. Oh Lord, on this note, please assist me to refrain on talking about my those tings i've done. Good or bad. I only want You to know and not the whole world. I have no intention of being those who You described in surah Al-Maun. For i am only seeking your Rahim.

At times, i realise that there are so much differences we had. We tried but it didn't seem that we could overcome it. Maybe, i am not trying hard enough. I feel blessed as we could have been worse of had we continue. Then again, only Allah knows whats best for us. Especially at certain times where we feel we are so in different worlds as mentioned above. Maybe, there's someone else involved. Maybe its an old flame. Oh Lord Almighty, once again, please help me remove this negative aspect of me when questions are not being answered.

As i've said again and again, i'm a very weak person mentally. I hate question marks. They just give me sleepless night. Well, what to do. I have to seek my own solace. I've made a mistake and i have to pay for it.

I have not known the truth for all that are happening now. All i am doing now is assuming and suspecting. In terms of policing, i've got the leads, i pursued it and all i got was circumstancial evidence. Please oh please, i don't like this negative aspect of. Please change Wandi.

Please Oh Lord, i seek refuge from the cast off satan, the cursed.

I really need someone who can understand me to talk with. Other than Jannah of course, my relationship is already down the thrash and i don't want to be a factor to destroy others relationship. Its not good. It guess its also against the akhlak to talk to someone who is already attached and share problems. No offence yeah.

I guess i have go on the missing person act. I guess i will be able to go through this. Insyallah. For now i would respect privacy. Its ok to cry alone i guess. Only God knows. And no one else. And i hope she won't read this. I don't want to be seen as telling the whole world my problems. However, thats how i've been, if i feel i need to talk it out but have no other to talk to, i blog. Thats also like talking. You can read the post fews years back. There are similiarities. For now, sorry if i don't reply tags. I really appreciate those who are reading. Whether those i know or strangers.

All praise and gratitude is due to Allah, the Lord and Sustainer of the worlds. Peace be upon you.