The waiting game

I hate this bloody waiting game you are making me play. I never like waiting and since day one you have made me wait. It that satisfies you, then i am fine with i guess. You gave me so much hope and then at the last minute crushed every single hope by saying something else. I know you have your problems but if you can't do it, don't promise. If you promise, just do it regardless of whatever restrictions you are going through. I feel so cheated. Nvm i guess. Its ok. I'll just have to learn to be patient and carry on my life. I feel so sucky now. I can't even concentrate on my prayers, my sleep, my psp, my work, my riding. Ya Allah, please help me. Release me from this torture.

Only God knows what i am going through now. People who treat me how you treat me are torturing me mentally and slowly testing my patience. I was ok just now. Though i had thoughts of splitting, i was telling myself that i would leave it to faith and i would not make life hard for you but i guess i have changed my mind. And you still dare to claim the creed of saying i love you. I really don't and cannot understand your definition of love. Maybe you can't understand my definition of love too. Well, maybe i'm not meant to be loved and not meant to love. La Haula Walla Quwatta Illa.

I can't take this anymore just as much as you can't take me anymore. I don't blame you. I know that this all began with me. I accept that. Its ok. I will live with it. I guess we have to go our own ways now. I forgive you for what you have done. I hope you forgive me for what i have done also but if you don't its ok. I have to seek forgiveness from Allah, the merciful and compassionate. Whatever it is, i hope we just choose our own path and lead our own lives. I think there's something wrong with me and yeah, for the benefit of ourselves.

This can't go on. It has to stop. Its non-stop quarreling and it just seem that maybe i can never be in a relationship. I guess i will never be a good boyfriend. I have to learn. I am dying to see a pyschiatrist and many more things i want to do. Financially restricted though.